Weight

Once it was only carried by one.

Then many.

Distribution means more effected.

Man up boy. Time to go back to one.

Prayer

Please pray for me.

Lost

I am lost in so many ways.

Side note

I am unable to enjoy this world without pain. If I enjoy something...anything...it is painful. I simply ask for understanding...

But, yet...for now. I care too much for fellowship. They are worth anything. Their laughter calls to me. I can hear the loud exclamations of joy just one suite away. I long to be with them. I love them too much. I will try to bear through it again.

Perfect

Simple Plan. Perfect.

I WILL

Transformation

Words will not be able to describe the TRANSFORMATION I've gone through this month. I will attempt to convey and share soon. GOD IS AMAZING.

BEYOND ANYTHING. Holy freaking crap. So freaking ridiculous. Omg. SOOOOO RIDIC!!!!!!!!!


Into marvelous light I'm running,
Out of darkness, out of shame.
By the cross you are the truth,
You are the life, you are the way

GOD

Reflection on yesterday...


Wow. This is ridiculous. Only you can turn a world that upside down. Going from walking aimlessly for hours until finally crashing on a couch to joyfully skipping for 15 minutes en route to the village the next day. All in the space of 24 hours.

So I woke up today groggy and unsatisfied. Frustrated and helpless enough already on what I have to do and then add on I have no control over other people's actions. If you truly cared about someone, you would do what's best for them. Always. Truly think about what it is and not delude yourself with your own wants and desires. A person's relationship with God is FIRST beyond anything. Never shall we tempt or cause anyone to stumble in that relationship.

Anyways. So I felt empty so I picked up my Bible and read. And read. And kept reading. I started praying while reading then pretty soon I started singing worship songs. The only thing I asked was for Him to satisfy me. For Him to fill my heart, and allow it to be enough. The more I was with Him the more I understood.

This LIFE is temporary....lets alone the temporary things in this temporary life. Why worry so much. He has the most glorious Kingdom prepared for us. He is EVERYTHING and has the power to change anything. We try to find satisfaction in things that cannot completely satisfy us. Things that will disappoint and fail us.

Even the best of them such as family and friends are not forever lasting. We seek affirmation everyday from people. And people SUCK and will hurt us. Why keep trying to find your true source of happiness there....On the other hand, if we try to find happiness in God. God will NEVER fail us. His love is infinity and everlasting and He will always satisfy you as long as you try to find it in Him.

As I was praying and singing the more of my happiness that I placed in Him, the more happy I felt. Not only do I feel satisfaction and joy from Him, I also have complete trust in Him that things will work out in this life. Even in these temporary things, He will take care of me. God is GREAT. I truly hope other people do not just place their faith in Him, but also their happiness and trust. With complete satisfaction/joy in God there will be no idols. Oh happy day, thank you Lord so much :D We're singing for the glory of the risen King!

The World

Wow. This week truly shows why the world sucks. (It's also only a Tuesday). Grief. Pain. Anger. Chaos. Why we are so imperfect. How far we all still are. How I long to be away from this world, but there is still so much work to be done.



James 4:3-4 (Phi) You don't get what you want because you don't ask God for it. And when you do ask he doesn't give it to you, for you ask in quite the wrong spirit--you only want to satisfy your own desires. You are like unfaithful wives, never realizing that to be the world's lover means becoming the enemy of God! Anyone who chooses to be the world's friend is thereby making himself God's enemy.


How true this is. How guilty of it I am. But. I will change. I am changing. For the Lord is everything.

Satisfaction

Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough?

Because I am human. I have been praying for the past month for the Lord to show me very clearly who He is so I could be satisfied. Be totally satisfied with Him and not look into worldly things for satisfaction.

We humans are always unsatisfied. Always wanting more in life. We find satisfaction in such little temporary pleasures. Coveting and wanting. Lust, eyes, and materials. These days I'm been doing a good job. Almost every time I feel an urge of unsatisfaction instead of calling a friend, playing a game...I go read the Bible.

So convicting these past few days. I asked for the Lord to reveal Himself to me and He did. Constantly slamming me again and again through the words of other people.

Then an ultimate test for me personally. I said to someone one of the hardest thing to do in life is to sacrifice your relationship with someone in order to truly help them. Then it comes and slams me in the face literally right away. Life is ironic. It is hard, but He is with me and it is enough.

Today is The Day

My heart is singing :D

Wow, I like happiness, it feel really good!!!!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B300gQkgDS0

Repetition

Time won't let me go.....


Yet the standard has been set, it's hard to not chase after it...

Yet I will not chase after something that's already belongs to someone else.

Migration

I used to be able to play something call basketball every day. Each year thousands and thousands of crows would pass over my head as I practiced, going off to a far distant land. Though not because I think they wanted to, but circumstances forced them to.

Each year millions of salmon travel thousands of miles battling rapids upstream. Not because they were forced to, but because they were called to and wanted to.

Accepting defeat? Or is it facing reality?

Macbeth

To be or not to be. The curtain has fallen, the act is done. There is no encore.

Fail

Hard to imagine an individual could possibly contain that much of it in a single entity.

Please

Life's pretty hectic in Cali. From traveling to parties from friends to girls and beaches from camping, having kickbacks and family....a busy life is a good wonderful excuse to put off things. I've put off the most important personal thing to me...my skin.

I was supposed to go running everyday in an effort to hopefully cure myself or temporarily make it better. I didn't. Not once. Coward. First I used my ulcer as an excuse, which was a legit one as I couldn't even really move, but I would tell myself, after I got better I would right away... Then that came and went, then the next day...and the next..and the next.

Then I went camping had a nice and long talk with God and those beautiful stars and told him to give me the willpower to start running after I went home....then looking outside at that nice and shimmering sol cal heat, I quavered. I shook, shuddered and my will was broken yet again.

Yet God doesn't give up that easy you see. I may, worthless as I am, but He doesn't.

Today, I went broomballing. It's basically hockey on ice with regular shoes, (really really fun.) And something I can play... kind of..... As the ice rink is kept kind of cold so the ice doesn't melt. So I play for my usual 5-10 minutes then the pain gets enough that I stop and go sit down. I have had people come over and ask me why I was being such a wuss and sitting down before. I get people pointing and looking at me like I'm sort of freak...understandable as it's under 30 degrees and I'm drenching myself in ice water. So sometimes I get frustrated and today was one of them. I go back on and decide to just play through the pain as best as I could.

Towards the end the pain stated subsiding...! A sign that the condition will get better for the time being. I felt myself radiating heat, yet I was't keeling over and dying. Jubiliant I decided to seize on this opportunity and had my ride drop me off a mile from my house. I ran that, rested, ran a shorter distance, rested and then ran again. By the end of it there was almost no pain! AND I WAS SWEATING. AHHHH. Not pouring sweat, but sweat that I could touch, and smell, and feel!!!!!!!!


I've really only admitted to one person in my life how much this bothers me. My three greatest passions in life...gone. Sports, violin, and debating...that's taking about 5-9 hours every single day of my life away. Especially violin.....13 years, made nationals, and can't play. I was showing my relatives of me playing years ago...felt like crying. The simplest every day stuff, HURTS. Laughing hurts. Taking a freaking dump hurts. Walking hurts. And then I have to hide it, cause then when people start to notice, people stares... causes heat to rise, and it gets worse and that causes a vicious cycle. People think taking a chemistry test is hard enough, try taking a test and concentrating while you feel like you're being stabbed again and again just cause you're nervous.

Having to go through freaking torture when my STEELERS won the Super Bowl. I used to be unable to play any games or even watch tv with any drama in it....but my pain tolerance has risen dramatically. You NEVER get used to the pain. Ever. It never hurts less, you may have a better tolerance to it but it hurts just the same every freaking day.

Point of why I'm finally saying this is that I ask whoever reads this to pray for me. Cause even though I hide it.....to some more than others..... it really is really really important to me. I ask you to pray that I have the willpower to simply be able to run everyday until the pain hopefully wears off. And that even if it doesn't, and that even if it shows no signs of getting better, that I persist in doing so. Pray that it does have a result though. God I really need your help. Thank you.

Reflection

Reflection. I recounted with my best friend who had finally came back a week ago, what newly befell on me in the past week. He tells me: Eric you've been through more shit in two years than ten people go through in their whole lives. An exagerration, yet it emphasizes what we both feel.

A living Greek tragedy. Everybody goes through problems. I know. I'm surrounded and listen and solve other people's problems basically every day of my life.... Heh, why even compare....what's the point in it.

Many people talk about emotional pain being the worst kind there is. That it's much worse than physical. I agree but to a very limited extent. Emotional pain is only worse because it lasts much much longer than physical. I've now been through both severely. Physical pain for a long time is much worse. Now before you think that sounds callous. I've already been through deaths of close people that should not be lying in the ground or scattered in an ocean. And if you know me, you know how I care about people more than anything else. I know what it feels like. So...ya.

Pain sucks away your will to live. It's extremely hard to enjoy life, if you're scarred emotionally, it's even harder if it's continual physical pain. It's bad enough that I even fleetingly considered using alcohol or drugs to numb it.

I no longer want to or desire to talk to people. I feel like a mentally retarded kid. I haven't had the capacity to even be able to go out, and then when I finally could attempt it, it was dreadful. I litreally felt mentally retarded, as my best friend tried his best to cheer me up, yet we both knew it was useless. Pain is something that enslaves you. You can't escape it, you can't ignore it.
I felt handicapped and utterly useless. I was unable to have a good time, in my last day for a long time with him. I HATED it.

That's why I got rid of my facebook. I get tired of rightfully so pissed off people yelling at me for not even having seen them. I know. It IS my fault. But, what's the point of meeting up with someone if you're incapable of having it be enjoyable. I get tired of explaining to the few people that do know me well, of why I can't go out, and then having them comment on how fucked up my life is.

Yet. I have learned. When time passes.... things pass..... memory fades...Most things. Looking back a year ago though with Taylor, many of the things that scarred me a year before are still going on today. But you learn to adapt and cope. So while I may bemoan and lament at this new condition, fact is either it'll get better, or I'll learn to deal. What I'm sick of, is that shit just does NOT end. Like seriously. What the fuck. I don't get why they keep coming.

I've been raised on logic. Logic has it all problems are caused by you. So logic has it I'm the cause of all these problems. People call me a soldier. A soldier endures all kinds of shit. Yet they are not the cause. On the other hand...a suicide bomber, causes shit to himself. So there you have it. I'm a suicide bomber.

Thankfully very few people read this. If any. If so, and you even got this far....don't worry about me. I'll deal. It's just really frustrating. I HATE people who use problems as execuses. Use what tragedy befell on them to just give up. To say I'm suffering from this so it's ok if I do this. That's utter bullshit. I've reread all the Harry Potters in the last 2 days. I wish I was like him. With a better capacity to endure and not be such a screw up.

Oh how I want to just....BUT. How the hell do you leave a world that has your best friend composing a song about you. If I can't mend my life, I will continue to do so with other people's.

You've made me tip but not break. Terribly bitter but not dead. Perhaps one day. But NOT today. Screw you. I will fight. And I WILL enjoy life. I can't even even comprehend how at the moment. But. I will.

Retromorphosis

Starvation or pain. FUCK. Hates how is life is filled with lose-lose.

Reevaluation

I wrote more than two thousand words and then proceeded to erase it all as this blog has no feature of making it just private. Boo. I'll keep it nice and short.

Living in the moment. You want what you can't have. It is time to BE that.

Revealed

So I've been watching Prison Break a lot in my downtime. Absolutely captured at how I can be rooting for even former murderers on some occasions. Enthralled, engaged and questioning just how much can you justify atrocious means to achieve a good end.

Through it a piece of human character was also revealed to me. Even these rapists, robbers, convicts....most of them still all loved their family. Oh they were bad people...but when it came to their family...they still loved and cherished them like no other. They still tried to protect them from anything and some... even killers laid down their lives for them.

This brings me to really think. People who had murdered people… yet the next day gave up their life for someone else...Why? Because they cared about them. Simply that. So I realized that showing compassion and generosity to those you care about doesn't really mean much. Being good to only the ones that matter to you doesn't mean much. Well it does...but it's like a selfish love. You love them so of course you're going to care about them....I guess what I'm trying to say here is that it's how you treat other people. The people that you've never met. The people you know, but aren't close to.

The number one trait I personally respect is compassion. Compassion for ALL. What good is it if you serve your friends but you treat everyone else like trash. Of course you're going to treat your friends well (though some people don't even do that)....I’m just saying that's not enough.

Too many judge and too few serve. We all suck, nobody is better than anyone else. Everyone makes a difference. Have the heart to serve everybody. Be the change. :)

Return

Return. Im back in Cali. And I have realized just how different my life is. It's like I live in 2 worlds. College is the place to start anew and afresh...make a new image for yourself....however...



What if you don't want to start anew...Not to say that people didn't like me in college....but it wasn't the same...not nearly...Simply because I wasn't the same person as I was before...People in college didn't grow up with me, they didn't see me pre-senior year. It is so freaking frustating. To know you're limited by something beyond your control...that you no longer can be good at everything.

People in California they love me and respect me for good reason. It's like adoration....people joke about me having fans. People in college... none of that really happens.... for good reason. I'm no longer the person I used to be. Hell now I get pissed when people in college call me a role model and look up to me. I'm a shell of my former self.

Respect happens in many different ways. The one that you get when you're genuine compassionate and nice...that helps people like you....The one you get when you're good at everything....that makes people admire you and follow you...


I come back and the things I say matter again. I'm wanted and important again. And that's y I love Cali.....Spring break I call home and ask people what did they do....everybody goes...not really anything... things are awkward....they all hangout with ppl in college more than in hs. I come back don't ever see each other....I make a few phone calls...and people are back together and we're having the time of our lives. I guess I miss being looked up to. Miss being absolutely respected. I failed in college. Mmmmm more like FAILED...........It will not happen again.

Remedy

You can plan, plan and plan yet really nothing can prepare you for anything. Life is so random and unexpected and sometimes it's beautiful and sometimes it sucks. Flying home I was prepared to be filled with dark thoughts....yet instead God didn't seem to like that...it became a remedy instead to self-loathing. So much has happened in 24 hours I would get sick of writing it all so I will attempt to summarize...

At the airport and on the way back, the friend I was flying back with started asking me about God, after I talked about ACF. It was intense....reminded me of myself a year and a half ago...just a barrage of questions....I’ve been answering many questions throughout the year...but it was NOTHING like this.....It was such a great joy to be able to share Him to someone, especially to someone that was as confused as I was. Such a good feeling to be able to look at him square in the eye and say YES every time he kept asking whether or not there was a God, and whether or not I loved Him. I cannot wait to be able to share my life as a Christian with people back home! SOOOO excited! Pray it goes well please!

During my flight I'm sitting next to a old guy, and in front and to the left...a very attractive girl had sat down. I started talking to the old guy about the relative importance of grades....and stuff, and a bit later the girl turns around and starts talking to me...

To keep it short, Taylor was brilliant…, a straight A's student, played and loved music, competed for dance nationally, and was athletic. Was in leadership and I could tell she really cared for people. She was going to UCSD next fall and lived in St. Louis...plus she wanted to be a pediatrician or something to do with neuroscience (like brain surgeon) like I did...

The more we talked…the more I respected her and realized how many interests we had together… we got off the plane…. she wanted to show me some singers she really liked, and I wanted to show her that ABSOLUTELY AMAZING mix of Love Story and Viva la Vida….she also lived in Chesterfield…. the city…. where I possibly might stay at over the summer. Yet….. I then also realized in terms of a relationship, how important being a strong Christian was to me. That despite everything all the shared interests, and similar passions, and infectious personality, very good looks ..…I couldn’t ever see myself in a relationship with her if she didn’t live her life for Him. This didn’t mean I wasn’t attracted to her, just couldn’t see myself with her. Didn’t even bother to ask for her phone number…though I should have done it…..been months since I’ve asked not in a school setting…..prob need practice….. Anyways….I now understand why Jimmy once said…being a strong Christian was the most attractive thing to him….


This trip showed me nothing's too late. Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.

I’ve got much more to write about….family…and friends….for starters…but those will be for another day….

I had a dream last night when….I woke up in CALIFORNIA!!!!

Realization

So.....it's inevitable....I recently realized with a friend that I'm going to up end in jail.....

This is how it will transpire:

Due to my failure in school I will end up recieving some kind of dismal GPA, so low that I will barely make it into the worst med school in the nation. Due to it being the worst med school in the nation I will end up not recieving adequate education to take care of patients and end up sewing up numerous amounts of objects in the patients body such as sponges. After a few of these...you know people kinda get unhappy when they realize they have a scapel inside of them.... a stack of lawsuits will fill my desk. I will then be unable to pay my loans off and therefore become an inmate.

So I've decided the best production of my time is to get started on those Prison Break episodes once again.... :)

Reeling

So I decided to look over at some of my old blogs today that were in myspace...and myspace said I had new inbox messages so I checked it out, and was reminded of this conversation.....It hit me really hard...brought me back swirling and tumbling into a whirl of memories. The impact of Raw emotion left me reeling to go retreat to water.

Pulled in like a vortex I started recounting everything I had felt back then. Remembering the incredulous impossibility that I actually was going through everything that I was. Yet then...once again I am amazed beyond words.

Reminded of how I had experienced the most broken, sacrificial, sucking relationship ever. And how that despite the impossibility, despite every person in my life saying drop it and me ending up finally doing it, despite the ultimatum, despite vowing not to talk to each other scores and scores of times…that here I am today with her. How in the end despite all the turmoil and distance, with God’s grace and our care for each other, that she somehow….now is one of my only best friends that I know will stay with me til the end of my days.

I am reminded of what a miracle it is. That we are even talking….let alone friends…let alone basically best friends…..

More importantly, I am reminded of myself. Of how much I had easily used logic to cut people down again and again. Of how I was so incredulous about faith, of how much I used to attack people. Of how all those questions nobody could answer before, that now I can answer. Of how I can look at my own life and see how ridiculous it is that I’m here praising Him.

God is so ridiculously amazing, I can’t even express it. How much He can change you and the relationships you experience. Of how incredulously helpless you are without Him. I’m so glad you are with me Lord. You are mighty to save.



From: Eric Date: May 27, 2008 11:42 PM "You don’t really live until you decide to give it up and realize that you have no control." If and when you ever get time, could you tell me what you meant by that?


From: ____ Date: May 28, 2008 4:01 PM Umm yes I do think I could squeeze that question into my intensely busy life....I meant that until you realize that your life isnt your own and that you need to live by God's will and surrender to his plan, your life is going to be hard and full of disappointments. And thats just speaking from my experience, God always has a way, he always has a plan and things always work out, even if not in the way I had hoped. Using my blogs as late night reading? That's interesting....

From: Eric Date: May 28, 2008 5:48 PM Indeed yes i was. u got into chapman so indeed ur opinion does count haha. whether or not you have surrendered yourself though, hardship is still going to hound you. God is so great because he gave us free will. How can he still be so great, if our only way to accept him is to say I actually have no control over my life. If God had actual direct influence and he loved us wouldn't everybody turn out happy? But they don't, why? because we have free will to choose our own lives. It grieves him to see us forlorn but he allows it for the sole consideration of free will. How can this God be so great, if we basically have to realize that our free choice doesn't really mean anything. that God is basically greater over his biggest gift to us and a reason y we love and respect him: free choice. or perhaps im just lost like always. in not being able to understand how u can surrender it all and say God will take care of everything, yet each of your choices still matter, then how is God taking care of you, if you repeatedly make continual choices down the wrong path. how does he help u? cause he doesn't directly interfere and go write in the clouds HEY _____, TSK TSK WRONG CHOICE. you know? so shed some more insight when u can please


From: ____Date: May 28, 2008 7:16 PM Stop thinking so damn much, that is your biggest problem. Stop thinking. Surrender to God's will and plan and you will find things starting to look up. God is not meant to be figured out and understood, that is faith and that is what you must have. Every drought passes, every disaster fades, every hardship lessens, every season in a valley comes out onto even land. Let God do his thing and do your thing in faith. That's it. Really that's it...

From: Eric Date: May 28, 2008 11:08 PM As if you don't know that's impossible for me to do.

From____: Date: May 29, 2008 3:45 PM Extraordinary people do the impossible. I don't think there's any reason to continue this back and forth bullshit about why you can't seem to reconcile with how bad you think your life is. You're one of those people who is totally capable of fixing their life but just doesn't. I was never, and can no longer be, of any assitance to you.


From: Eric Date: May 29, 2008 4:56 PM Ur so childish. was that really necessary? it was kinda obvious from my last comment that i had no wish to talk about it further. wow. and don't think ur fucking special, i respect u for ur faith that's y i asked u but lmao ur one of the many. and next when did i ever mention or complain about how bad my life is right now? We're not going to talk again. but. don't ever. fucking lecture me on dealing with hardships of life because you haven't experienced fucking squat. i can fix my skin? i can fix my colon inflammation? i can somehow make my dad and 2 of my grandparents pretend they give a fuck about me? right now i'm awaiting a decision from my college on whether they can arrange a golf cart to take me to classes, otherwise im not going to fucking college cause i can't even walk to classes. why am i even writing this, u have zero compassion not like u fucking care. u can hide and think or whatever u want. but we were once... and i thank you for it. but it seems like we've both delved too deep and awakened the monsters inside of us. and ur right, you are a bitch and i never should of started talking to u. going from one of the people i respected the most to someone i don't give a damn about. _____, seriously go take your cold self-centered self and jump off a cliff.


From: ____ Date: May 29, 2008 7:29 PM I'm sorry, just like I was sorry three weeks ago....it doesnt matter now, I did the damage, but I'm just trying to end this whole thing. It's too painful to continue. I can't keep thinking that this is finally over and then have you ask me about some stupid blog I wrote over a year ago. I may seem cold, heartless and like the most terrible person ever, but I know that I'm being this way so that this will all stop, becuase its just become something awful. You have to know I care about your problems and your life and that I would never wish bad things to come to you. Not that it matters, but by "fixing your life" I suppose I meant taking a different outlook. I know I can't possibly understand your problems and I have no right to say I do. I am truly and sincerely so, so sorry.

Reminiscence

Thinking brings reminscence....Been a while..... yet never goes away.

I simply ask why. I ask if it it's me. I don't see why. It doesn't even make much sense....actually it would seem according to you that this whole thing defies what you want. Yet that is my simple human perspective. I am still so human and such a sinner even if my heart is for you and that even if I try and try.... it is so far from you. Yet, it is ok. Because you are amazing....Jesus paid it all.

I'll never know how much it cost, to see my sin on that cross.

And yet even in my grief, everytime.... the way you reach out to me is still with people. Not just people helping me, but showing that I am worthy in your eyes. That even if I'm down, I can still reach out and help people. That people can come to me and you can still use me, as broken as I am. I often wonder how's it's possible I can sit down and console, advise, and converse for hours as I'm sitting there minutes ago alone reflecting on my own isssues. Yet, it happens, again and again and again. Time after time. Thank you.


I still wonder though. If I do dig my own grave, it is for you. I know I'm shooting myself in the foot, yet I cannot bring myself to not to. That I'm destroying all the advice I give other people, advice that works again and again. And if I continue...it won't happen...ever....and it hurts. Yet I truly feel that is not serving you, despite what other people especially the Christians I have asked may tell me. Maybe I'm approaching it wrong....I pray for you to show me......I guess I just care for humans too much. I wish I was just more content with it....grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr so hard to be though........so hard...give me strength and hold my heart...(TAN).....sooo good! I will try not to worry though, you will take care and provide :)
Blessed be Your Name