Reflection

Reflection. I recounted with my best friend who had finally came back a week ago, what newly befell on me in the past week. He tells me: Eric you've been through more shit in two years than ten people go through in their whole lives. An exagerration, yet it emphasizes what we both feel.

A living Greek tragedy. Everybody goes through problems. I know. I'm surrounded and listen and solve other people's problems basically every day of my life.... Heh, why even compare....what's the point in it.

Many people talk about emotional pain being the worst kind there is. That it's much worse than physical. I agree but to a very limited extent. Emotional pain is only worse because it lasts much much longer than physical. I've now been through both severely. Physical pain for a long time is much worse. Now before you think that sounds callous. I've already been through deaths of close people that should not be lying in the ground or scattered in an ocean. And if you know me, you know how I care about people more than anything else. I know what it feels like. So...ya.

Pain sucks away your will to live. It's extremely hard to enjoy life, if you're scarred emotionally, it's even harder if it's continual physical pain. It's bad enough that I even fleetingly considered using alcohol or drugs to numb it.

I no longer want to or desire to talk to people. I feel like a mentally retarded kid. I haven't had the capacity to even be able to go out, and then when I finally could attempt it, it was dreadful. I litreally felt mentally retarded, as my best friend tried his best to cheer me up, yet we both knew it was useless. Pain is something that enslaves you. You can't escape it, you can't ignore it.
I felt handicapped and utterly useless. I was unable to have a good time, in my last day for a long time with him. I HATED it.

That's why I got rid of my facebook. I get tired of rightfully so pissed off people yelling at me for not even having seen them. I know. It IS my fault. But, what's the point of meeting up with someone if you're incapable of having it be enjoyable. I get tired of explaining to the few people that do know me well, of why I can't go out, and then having them comment on how fucked up my life is.

Yet. I have learned. When time passes.... things pass..... memory fades...Most things. Looking back a year ago though with Taylor, many of the things that scarred me a year before are still going on today. But you learn to adapt and cope. So while I may bemoan and lament at this new condition, fact is either it'll get better, or I'll learn to deal. What I'm sick of, is that shit just does NOT end. Like seriously. What the fuck. I don't get why they keep coming.

I've been raised on logic. Logic has it all problems are caused by you. So logic has it I'm the cause of all these problems. People call me a soldier. A soldier endures all kinds of shit. Yet they are not the cause. On the other hand...a suicide bomber, causes shit to himself. So there you have it. I'm a suicide bomber.

Thankfully very few people read this. If any. If so, and you even got this far....don't worry about me. I'll deal. It's just really frustrating. I HATE people who use problems as execuses. Use what tragedy befell on them to just give up. To say I'm suffering from this so it's ok if I do this. That's utter bullshit. I've reread all the Harry Potters in the last 2 days. I wish I was like him. With a better capacity to endure and not be such a screw up.

Oh how I want to just....BUT. How the hell do you leave a world that has your best friend composing a song about you. If I can't mend my life, I will continue to do so with other people's.

You've made me tip but not break. Terribly bitter but not dead. Perhaps one day. But NOT today. Screw you. I will fight. And I WILL enjoy life. I can't even even comprehend how at the moment. But. I will.