Reeling

So I decided to look over at some of my old blogs today that were in myspace...and myspace said I had new inbox messages so I checked it out, and was reminded of this conversation.....It hit me really hard...brought me back swirling and tumbling into a whirl of memories. The impact of Raw emotion left me reeling to go retreat to water.

Pulled in like a vortex I started recounting everything I had felt back then. Remembering the incredulous impossibility that I actually was going through everything that I was. Yet then...once again I am amazed beyond words.

Reminded of how I had experienced the most broken, sacrificial, sucking relationship ever. And how that despite the impossibility, despite every person in my life saying drop it and me ending up finally doing it, despite the ultimatum, despite vowing not to talk to each other scores and scores of times…that here I am today with her. How in the end despite all the turmoil and distance, with God’s grace and our care for each other, that she somehow….now is one of my only best friends that I know will stay with me til the end of my days.

I am reminded of what a miracle it is. That we are even talking….let alone friends…let alone basically best friends…..

More importantly, I am reminded of myself. Of how much I had easily used logic to cut people down again and again. Of how I was so incredulous about faith, of how much I used to attack people. Of how all those questions nobody could answer before, that now I can answer. Of how I can look at my own life and see how ridiculous it is that I’m here praising Him.

God is so ridiculously amazing, I can’t even express it. How much He can change you and the relationships you experience. Of how incredulously helpless you are without Him. I’m so glad you are with me Lord. You are mighty to save.



From: Eric Date: May 27, 2008 11:42 PM "You don’t really live until you decide to give it up and realize that you have no control." If and when you ever get time, could you tell me what you meant by that?


From: ____ Date: May 28, 2008 4:01 PM Umm yes I do think I could squeeze that question into my intensely busy life....I meant that until you realize that your life isnt your own and that you need to live by God's will and surrender to his plan, your life is going to be hard and full of disappointments. And thats just speaking from my experience, God always has a way, he always has a plan and things always work out, even if not in the way I had hoped. Using my blogs as late night reading? That's interesting....

From: Eric Date: May 28, 2008 5:48 PM Indeed yes i was. u got into chapman so indeed ur opinion does count haha. whether or not you have surrendered yourself though, hardship is still going to hound you. God is so great because he gave us free will. How can he still be so great, if our only way to accept him is to say I actually have no control over my life. If God had actual direct influence and he loved us wouldn't everybody turn out happy? But they don't, why? because we have free will to choose our own lives. It grieves him to see us forlorn but he allows it for the sole consideration of free will. How can this God be so great, if we basically have to realize that our free choice doesn't really mean anything. that God is basically greater over his biggest gift to us and a reason y we love and respect him: free choice. or perhaps im just lost like always. in not being able to understand how u can surrender it all and say God will take care of everything, yet each of your choices still matter, then how is God taking care of you, if you repeatedly make continual choices down the wrong path. how does he help u? cause he doesn't directly interfere and go write in the clouds HEY _____, TSK TSK WRONG CHOICE. you know? so shed some more insight when u can please


From: ____Date: May 28, 2008 7:16 PM Stop thinking so damn much, that is your biggest problem. Stop thinking. Surrender to God's will and plan and you will find things starting to look up. God is not meant to be figured out and understood, that is faith and that is what you must have. Every drought passes, every disaster fades, every hardship lessens, every season in a valley comes out onto even land. Let God do his thing and do your thing in faith. That's it. Really that's it...

From: Eric Date: May 28, 2008 11:08 PM As if you don't know that's impossible for me to do.

From____: Date: May 29, 2008 3:45 PM Extraordinary people do the impossible. I don't think there's any reason to continue this back and forth bullshit about why you can't seem to reconcile with how bad you think your life is. You're one of those people who is totally capable of fixing their life but just doesn't. I was never, and can no longer be, of any assitance to you.


From: Eric Date: May 29, 2008 4:56 PM Ur so childish. was that really necessary? it was kinda obvious from my last comment that i had no wish to talk about it further. wow. and don't think ur fucking special, i respect u for ur faith that's y i asked u but lmao ur one of the many. and next when did i ever mention or complain about how bad my life is right now? We're not going to talk again. but. don't ever. fucking lecture me on dealing with hardships of life because you haven't experienced fucking squat. i can fix my skin? i can fix my colon inflammation? i can somehow make my dad and 2 of my grandparents pretend they give a fuck about me? right now i'm awaiting a decision from my college on whether they can arrange a golf cart to take me to classes, otherwise im not going to fucking college cause i can't even walk to classes. why am i even writing this, u have zero compassion not like u fucking care. u can hide and think or whatever u want. but we were once... and i thank you for it. but it seems like we've both delved too deep and awakened the monsters inside of us. and ur right, you are a bitch and i never should of started talking to u. going from one of the people i respected the most to someone i don't give a damn about. _____, seriously go take your cold self-centered self and jump off a cliff.


From: ____ Date: May 29, 2008 7:29 PM I'm sorry, just like I was sorry three weeks ago....it doesnt matter now, I did the damage, but I'm just trying to end this whole thing. It's too painful to continue. I can't keep thinking that this is finally over and then have you ask me about some stupid blog I wrote over a year ago. I may seem cold, heartless and like the most terrible person ever, but I know that I'm being this way so that this will all stop, becuase its just become something awful. You have to know I care about your problems and your life and that I would never wish bad things to come to you. Not that it matters, but by "fixing your life" I suppose I meant taking a different outlook. I know I can't possibly understand your problems and I have no right to say I do. I am truly and sincerely so, so sorry.