Reminiscence

Thinking brings reminscence....Been a while..... yet never goes away.

I simply ask why. I ask if it it's me. I don't see why. It doesn't even make much sense....actually it would seem according to you that this whole thing defies what you want. Yet that is my simple human perspective. I am still so human and such a sinner even if my heart is for you and that even if I try and try.... it is so far from you. Yet, it is ok. Because you are amazing....Jesus paid it all.

I'll never know how much it cost, to see my sin on that cross.

And yet even in my grief, everytime.... the way you reach out to me is still with people. Not just people helping me, but showing that I am worthy in your eyes. That even if I'm down, I can still reach out and help people. That people can come to me and you can still use me, as broken as I am. I often wonder how's it's possible I can sit down and console, advise, and converse for hours as I'm sitting there minutes ago alone reflecting on my own isssues. Yet, it happens, again and again and again. Time after time. Thank you.


I still wonder though. If I do dig my own grave, it is for you. I know I'm shooting myself in the foot, yet I cannot bring myself to not to. That I'm destroying all the advice I give other people, advice that works again and again. And if I continue...it won't happen...ever....and it hurts. Yet I truly feel that is not serving you, despite what other people especially the Christians I have asked may tell me. Maybe I'm approaching it wrong....I pray for you to show me......I guess I just care for humans too much. I wish I was just more content with it....grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr so hard to be though........so hard...give me strength and hold my heart...(TAN).....sooo good! I will try not to worry though, you will take care and provide :)
Blessed be Your Name