So.....it's inevitable....I recently realized with a friend that I'm going to up end in jail.....
This is how it will transpire:
Due to my failure in school I will end up recieving some kind of dismal GPA, so low that I will barely make it into the worst med school in the nation. Due to it being the worst med school in the nation I will end up not recieving adequate education to take care of patients and end up sewing up numerous amounts of objects in the patients body such as sponges. After a few of these...you know people kinda get unhappy when they realize they have a scapel inside of them.... a stack of lawsuits will fill my desk. I will then be unable to pay my loans off and therefore become an inmate.
So I've decided the best production of my time is to get started on those Prison Break episodes once again.... :)
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
Reeling
So I decided to look over at some of my old blogs today that were in myspace...and myspace said I had new inbox messages so I checked it out, and was reminded of this conversation.....It hit me really hard...brought me back swirling and tumbling into a whirl of memories. The impact of Raw emotion left me reeling to go retreat to water.
Pulled in like a vortex I started recounting everything I had felt back then. Remembering the incredulous impossibility that I actually was going through everything that I was. Yet then...once again I am amazed beyond words.
Reminded of how I had experienced the most broken, sacrificial, sucking relationship ever. And how that despite the impossibility, despite every person in my life saying drop it and me ending up finally doing it, despite the ultimatum, despite vowing not to talk to each other scores and scores of times…that here I am today with her. How in the end despite all the turmoil and distance, with God’s grace and our care for each other, that she somehow….now is one of my only best friends that I know will stay with me til the end of my days.
I am reminded of what a miracle it is. That we are even talking….let alone friends…let alone basically best friends…..
More importantly, I am reminded of myself. Of how much I had easily used logic to cut people down again and again. Of how I was so incredulous about faith, of how much I used to attack people. Of how all those questions nobody could answer before, that now I can answer. Of how I can look at my own life and see how ridiculous it is that I’m here praising Him.
God is so ridiculously amazing, I can’t even express it. How much He can change you and the relationships you experience. Of how incredulously helpless you are without Him. I’m so glad you are with me Lord. You are mighty to save.
From: Eric Date: May 27, 2008 11:42 PM "You don’t really live until you decide to give it up and realize that you have no control." If and when you ever get time, could you tell me what you meant by that?
From: ____ Date: May 28, 2008 4:01 PM Umm yes I do think I could squeeze that question into my intensely busy life....I meant that until you realize that your life isnt your own and that you need to live by God's will and surrender to his plan, your life is going to be hard and full of disappointments. And thats just speaking from my experience, God always has a way, he always has a plan and things always work out, even if not in the way I had hoped. Using my blogs as late night reading? That's interesting....
From: Eric Date: May 28, 2008 5:48 PM Indeed yes i was. u got into chapman so indeed ur opinion does count haha. whether or not you have surrendered yourself though, hardship is still going to hound you. God is so great because he gave us free will. How can he still be so great, if our only way to accept him is to say I actually have no control over my life. If God had actual direct influence and he loved us wouldn't everybody turn out happy? But they don't, why? because we have free will to choose our own lives. It grieves him to see us forlorn but he allows it for the sole consideration of free will. How can this God be so great, if we basically have to realize that our free choice doesn't really mean anything. that God is basically greater over his biggest gift to us and a reason y we love and respect him: free choice. or perhaps im just lost like always. in not being able to understand how u can surrender it all and say God will take care of everything, yet each of your choices still matter, then how is God taking care of you, if you repeatedly make continual choices down the wrong path. how does he help u? cause he doesn't directly interfere and go write in the clouds HEY _____, TSK TSK WRONG CHOICE. you know? so shed some more insight when u can please
From: ____Date: May 28, 2008 7:16 PM Stop thinking so damn much, that is your biggest problem. Stop thinking. Surrender to God's will and plan and you will find things starting to look up. God is not meant to be figured out and understood, that is faith and that is what you must have. Every drought passes, every disaster fades, every hardship lessens, every season in a valley comes out onto even land. Let God do his thing and do your thing in faith. That's it. Really that's it...
From: Eric Date: May 28, 2008 11:08 PM As if you don't know that's impossible for me to do.
From____: Date: May 29, 2008 3:45 PM Extraordinary people do the impossible. I don't think there's any reason to continue this back and forth bullshit about why you can't seem to reconcile with how bad you think your life is. You're one of those people who is totally capable of fixing their life but just doesn't. I was never, and can no longer be, of any assitance to you.
From: Eric Date: May 29, 2008 4:56 PM Ur so childish. was that really necessary? it was kinda obvious from my last comment that i had no wish to talk about it further. wow. and don't think ur fucking special, i respect u for ur faith that's y i asked u but lmao ur one of the many. and next when did i ever mention or complain about how bad my life is right now? We're not going to talk again. but. don't ever. fucking lecture me on dealing with hardships of life because you haven't experienced fucking squat. i can fix my skin? i can fix my colon inflammation? i can somehow make my dad and 2 of my grandparents pretend they give a fuck about me? right now i'm awaiting a decision from my college on whether they can arrange a golf cart to take me to classes, otherwise im not going to fucking college cause i can't even walk to classes. why am i even writing this, u have zero compassion not like u fucking care. u can hide and think or whatever u want. but we were once... and i thank you for it. but it seems like we've both delved too deep and awakened the monsters inside of us. and ur right, you are a bitch and i never should of started talking to u. going from one of the people i respected the most to someone i don't give a damn about. _____, seriously go take your cold self-centered self and jump off a cliff.
From: ____ Date: May 29, 2008 7:29 PM I'm sorry, just like I was sorry three weeks ago....it doesnt matter now, I did the damage, but I'm just trying to end this whole thing. It's too painful to continue. I can't keep thinking that this is finally over and then have you ask me about some stupid blog I wrote over a year ago. I may seem cold, heartless and like the most terrible person ever, but I know that I'm being this way so that this will all stop, becuase its just become something awful. You have to know I care about your problems and your life and that I would never wish bad things to come to you. Not that it matters, but by "fixing your life" I suppose I meant taking a different outlook. I know I can't possibly understand your problems and I have no right to say I do. I am truly and sincerely so, so sorry.
Pulled in like a vortex I started recounting everything I had felt back then. Remembering the incredulous impossibility that I actually was going through everything that I was. Yet then...once again I am amazed beyond words.
Reminded of how I had experienced the most broken, sacrificial, sucking relationship ever. And how that despite the impossibility, despite every person in my life saying drop it and me ending up finally doing it, despite the ultimatum, despite vowing not to talk to each other scores and scores of times…that here I am today with her. How in the end despite all the turmoil and distance, with God’s grace and our care for each other, that she somehow….now is one of my only best friends that I know will stay with me til the end of my days.
I am reminded of what a miracle it is. That we are even talking….let alone friends…let alone basically best friends…..
More importantly, I am reminded of myself. Of how much I had easily used logic to cut people down again and again. Of how I was so incredulous about faith, of how much I used to attack people. Of how all those questions nobody could answer before, that now I can answer. Of how I can look at my own life and see how ridiculous it is that I’m here praising Him.
God is so ridiculously amazing, I can’t even express it. How much He can change you and the relationships you experience. Of how incredulously helpless you are without Him. I’m so glad you are with me Lord. You are mighty to save.
From: Eric Date: May 27, 2008 11:42 PM "You don’t really live until you decide to give it up and realize that you have no control." If and when you ever get time, could you tell me what you meant by that?
From: ____ Date: May 28, 2008 4:01 PM Umm yes I do think I could squeeze that question into my intensely busy life....I meant that until you realize that your life isnt your own and that you need to live by God's will and surrender to his plan, your life is going to be hard and full of disappointments. And thats just speaking from my experience, God always has a way, he always has a plan and things always work out, even if not in the way I had hoped. Using my blogs as late night reading? That's interesting....
From: Eric Date: May 28, 2008 5:48 PM Indeed yes i was. u got into chapman so indeed ur opinion does count haha. whether or not you have surrendered yourself though, hardship is still going to hound you. God is so great because he gave us free will. How can he still be so great, if our only way to accept him is to say I actually have no control over my life. If God had actual direct influence and he loved us wouldn't everybody turn out happy? But they don't, why? because we have free will to choose our own lives. It grieves him to see us forlorn but he allows it for the sole consideration of free will. How can this God be so great, if we basically have to realize that our free choice doesn't really mean anything. that God is basically greater over his biggest gift to us and a reason y we love and respect him: free choice. or perhaps im just lost like always. in not being able to understand how u can surrender it all and say God will take care of everything, yet each of your choices still matter, then how is God taking care of you, if you repeatedly make continual choices down the wrong path. how does he help u? cause he doesn't directly interfere and go write in the clouds HEY _____, TSK TSK WRONG CHOICE. you know? so shed some more insight when u can please
From: ____Date: May 28, 2008 7:16 PM Stop thinking so damn much, that is your biggest problem. Stop thinking. Surrender to God's will and plan and you will find things starting to look up. God is not meant to be figured out and understood, that is faith and that is what you must have. Every drought passes, every disaster fades, every hardship lessens, every season in a valley comes out onto even land. Let God do his thing and do your thing in faith. That's it. Really that's it...
From: Eric Date: May 28, 2008 11:08 PM As if you don't know that's impossible for me to do.
From____: Date: May 29, 2008 3:45 PM Extraordinary people do the impossible. I don't think there's any reason to continue this back and forth bullshit about why you can't seem to reconcile with how bad you think your life is. You're one of those people who is totally capable of fixing their life but just doesn't. I was never, and can no longer be, of any assitance to you.
From: Eric Date: May 29, 2008 4:56 PM Ur so childish. was that really necessary? it was kinda obvious from my last comment that i had no wish to talk about it further. wow. and don't think ur fucking special, i respect u for ur faith that's y i asked u but lmao ur one of the many. and next when did i ever mention or complain about how bad my life is right now? We're not going to talk again. but. don't ever. fucking lecture me on dealing with hardships of life because you haven't experienced fucking squat. i can fix my skin? i can fix my colon inflammation? i can somehow make my dad and 2 of my grandparents pretend they give a fuck about me? right now i'm awaiting a decision from my college on whether they can arrange a golf cart to take me to classes, otherwise im not going to fucking college cause i can't even walk to classes. why am i even writing this, u have zero compassion not like u fucking care. u can hide and think or whatever u want. but we were once... and i thank you for it. but it seems like we've both delved too deep and awakened the monsters inside of us. and ur right, you are a bitch and i never should of started talking to u. going from one of the people i respected the most to someone i don't give a damn about. _____, seriously go take your cold self-centered self and jump off a cliff.
From: ____ Date: May 29, 2008 7:29 PM I'm sorry, just like I was sorry three weeks ago....it doesnt matter now, I did the damage, but I'm just trying to end this whole thing. It's too painful to continue. I can't keep thinking that this is finally over and then have you ask me about some stupid blog I wrote over a year ago. I may seem cold, heartless and like the most terrible person ever, but I know that I'm being this way so that this will all stop, becuase its just become something awful. You have to know I care about your problems and your life and that I would never wish bad things to come to you. Not that it matters, but by "fixing your life" I suppose I meant taking a different outlook. I know I can't possibly understand your problems and I have no right to say I do. I am truly and sincerely so, so sorry.
Reminiscence
Thinking brings reminscence....Been a while..... yet never goes away.
I simply ask why. I ask if it it's me. I don't see why. It doesn't even make much sense....actually it would seem according to you that this whole thing defies what you want. Yet that is my simple human perspective. I am still so human and such a sinner even if my heart is for you and that even if I try and try.... it is so far from you. Yet, it is ok. Because you are amazing....Jesus paid it all.
I'll never know how much it cost, to see my sin on that cross.
And yet even in my grief, everytime.... the way you reach out to me is still with people. Not just people helping me, but showing that I am worthy in your eyes. That even if I'm down, I can still reach out and help people. That people can come to me and you can still use me, as broken as I am. I often wonder how's it's possible I can sit down and console, advise, and converse for hours as I'm sitting there minutes ago alone reflecting on my own isssues. Yet, it happens, again and again and again. Time after time. Thank you.
I still wonder though. If I do dig my own grave, it is for you. I know I'm shooting myself in the foot, yet I cannot bring myself to not to. That I'm destroying all the advice I give other people, advice that works again and again. And if I continue...it won't happen...ever....and it hurts. Yet I truly feel that is not serving you, despite what other people especially the Christians I have asked may tell me. Maybe I'm approaching it wrong....I pray for you to show me......I guess I just care for humans too much. I wish I was just more content with it....grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr so hard to be though........so hard...give me strength and hold my heart...(TAN).....sooo good! I will try not to worry though, you will take care and provide :)
Blessed be Your Name
I simply ask why. I ask if it it's me. I don't see why. It doesn't even make much sense....actually it would seem according to you that this whole thing defies what you want. Yet that is my simple human perspective. I am still so human and such a sinner even if my heart is for you and that even if I try and try.... it is so far from you. Yet, it is ok. Because you are amazing....Jesus paid it all.
I'll never know how much it cost, to see my sin on that cross.
And yet even in my grief, everytime.... the way you reach out to me is still with people. Not just people helping me, but showing that I am worthy in your eyes. That even if I'm down, I can still reach out and help people. That people can come to me and you can still use me, as broken as I am. I often wonder how's it's possible I can sit down and console, advise, and converse for hours as I'm sitting there minutes ago alone reflecting on my own isssues. Yet, it happens, again and again and again. Time after time. Thank you.
I still wonder though. If I do dig my own grave, it is for you. I know I'm shooting myself in the foot, yet I cannot bring myself to not to. That I'm destroying all the advice I give other people, advice that works again and again. And if I continue...it won't happen...ever....and it hurts. Yet I truly feel that is not serving you, despite what other people especially the Christians I have asked may tell me. Maybe I'm approaching it wrong....I pray for you to show me......I guess I just care for humans too much. I wish I was just more content with it....grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr so hard to be though........so hard...give me strength and hold my heart...(TAN).....sooo good! I will try not to worry though, you will take care and provide :)
Blessed be Your Name
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